Emotions and Always.

I'm really not good with emotions. I'm just not. I'm good with acting, pretending. That's easy enough, really. 'Yes, of course I ate lunch''They're just scratches from the woods''No, I'm fine. Just tired'. It's all very straight forward. But emotions...they're different. They're not straight forward. They have a way of silently weaving their way in and before you know it you feel these things that you didn't know you felt and it hurts and it's confusing because you thought you had control. You think everything is fine and that you know exactly what's going on. But then all of a sudden you don't and you're so thrown that you just start pretending the things you feel don't exist. And it works for a little while, until everything catches up with you and you're stuck with all these things you don't want to feel.
Emotions are inconvenient and illogical and messy. I'm just really not good with illogical. I like numbers and sense, logic and reason. Emotions? You can't quantify them. You can't put reasoning behind them. You can try, but in the end it still doesn't really make sense.
You know, I always held the idea that 'Always' didn't really mean always. That it was just something you said. I mean, everyone knows there is no 'Always', right? Everyone knows it's just something silly teenagers say. Something that doesn't really mean anything. Right? I thought that was it. I could say 'always' and it wouldn't really be always because everyone knows that it doesn't exist. 'I love you, always' really means 'I love you now'. 'Forever' means 'in the moment'. I held some comfort in that. That the mess couldn't go on forever. But then again, what if always... really does mean always? I don't know if I could deal with that. But...I think that I do have an always situation on my hands. I mean, I said 'Always and Forever' but I guess in the back of my mind I didn't think that was possible. But when you love someone for so long...when you love them so much you can't even think when they're around. When you love them so much you would do anything for them -- anything. Then maybe...always does really mean always. And I think that scares me most of all.